I have not written or typed anything in a little over two months. I fell off the wagon and am ready to get back to releasing some thoughts. This is a perfect example of LIFE. We have our ups and downs but as long we are continuously progressing then we should take this roller coaster called life and see where we can take it. I recently reached a fitness goal of mine to get really lean. Pretty positive I was leaner than I was last year, but no measurements to confirm this, as I still have not weighed myself since September of 2017. This is mostly due to how much I stress out over my body fat percentage and etc. If I don’t know what it is, just going off how I feel and look is what matters most. This brings me to the topic of BODY DYSMORPHIA. This “disease” has been something I have dealt with for years now. Ill stop you there now and NO this was not related to fitness at first. It was purely due to my pear shaped body I had growing up. As I became older and involved in the fitness world it may have just become worse. It is sad to admit but I know my faults and can’t quite change how I think or who I am….for now. My biggest issue I am currently dealing with is I went to Vegas for a work trip and came back feeling fat and out of shape. When I literally just said …..“I recently reached a fitness goal of mine to get really lean.” So just a week or so ago I was extremely lean and confident. And now a few days later I am self conscious and am being hard on myself. The tricky thing is I “know” deep down I am more fit than your average, but I do not FEEL this way. And how I feel trumps what I know. Essentially unless I have my abs showing, I don’t think I am fit….when I damn right now it has nothing to do with how fit you are. Some people are just naturally lean and have more visible abs. Whereas for me I have to work harder to have them show. It is good I recognize this issue but I need to discover a solution before it becomes more of a problem and I resort to extrageneous forms of help. I do compare myself to others constantly and wish I had bigger legs, arms, more of a shelf for a chest…Many ways I wish my body looked differently. Yes parts of it I can work on, but my genetics don’t allow me to grow like I would prefer, so thinking about test boosters and similar things interest me to the max. Not sure if its the right thing to do, or if it will just continue to make matters worse. The problem is when I reach out “silently” and talk to others about it (mostly other trainers), they all say they have the same issue. And then it becomes a casual conversation, rather than the help I was subtly wishing for. Even if someone compliments me or says I’m fit, that is not what I’m searching for, nor does it help. Most the time I figure they are just mocking me and I just brush it off. The mirror is my friend and my enemy, currently I am not a fan. Literally working out in shirts and sweatshirts again. Which I laugh cuz I know I’m nowhere near where I was 6 weeks ago, yet once the standard is set. I now have something to compare myself to. Even a ME VS ME situation can be very toxic for me. So who knows what I should do? Maybe I’ll make a youtube video about this subject and see what kind of responses I get. But for now an Instagram story to see if anyone is interested in this quick type up about my personal BODY DYSMORPHIA.
TIL NEXT TIME………PEACE!